A Teacher’s Guide To Talking With Parents

It’s a funny thing about mothers and fathers. Even when their own child is the most
disgusting little blister you could ever imagine, they still think that he or she is wonderful.
Roald Dahl, Matilda
           
In parent-teacher conferences, beyond all the banter and pleasantries, parents and guardians are looking for evidence that the teacher believes two things:
1) My child is lovable.
2) My child is capable.
 
As a teacher, your main aim is to find out what makes this child tick. You’re unlikely to meet better sources of this key information than parents or guardians.
 
But danger lurks. If parents pick up that you dislike their child, or that you see their child as lacking ability, the prospects for a productive conversation fall faster than ripe marula fruit on a windy day. Total honesty is not called for, diplomacy is. When a teacher gives frank feedback, it can be received as a hurtful judgment that condemns their child to a cold place in the classroom where neither affection nor regard, let alone redemption, is on offer. 
 
So, how do we say what needs to be said? Equally, how do we bolster parents’ faith in our professionally positive approach to their child? How do we discuss, in that worst-case scenario, the child whom Roald Dahl calls “the most disgusting little blister you could ever imagine”?
 
Here are some tips:
 
1. Body Language
For parents, much of your attitude toward their child is communicated non-verbally. Your facial expressions and body language speak volumes. As the child’s name -- and hopefully face (!) – comes to mind, do you shake your head slowly, throw up your hands, give a disapproving frown? End of conversation. Instead, muster a smile, however rueful it might be, and mention one characteristic about the child’s presence that an adult might plausibly find endearing, engaging or entertaining. If you do this while maintaining a warm, even affectionate, expression, you have laid the foundation for a productive conversation and a fruitful parent-teacher relationship.
 
2. Words To Say … Or Not
Your first words should be simply to thank the parents for coming in. For some parents, coming to a parent-teacher evening can be intimidating, so it’s your job to put them at ease. Make a point, right at the start, of noting a strength of their child, or at least an endearing quirk, so that the conference begins on a note of affection and respect. Empty flattery is not called for; genuine appreciation is. Remember: “lovable” and “capable”. Find ways to share your sense that their child – your student – is both.   Be positive when you speak, as you must, about what specific steps their child must take to succeed. Avoid disparaging labels. Few parents wish to hear that their child is “lazy”. But every parent with a child caught in a “human-wheelbarrow-never-moving-unless-pushed” phase, welcomes specific suggestions.
 
3. Listen & Leave the Door Open
Parents will share a great deal of precious information with you – if you ask for it. You’ll learn more if you stop talking.  Cut back on the I-know-my-stuff or I-know-your-kid chat and ask what concerns they have. Share strategies for motivating the child.   Find out how your student spends time at home. Any hobbies, interests, passions? Take notes. Make it clear that you’re eager to continue the conversation. 
 
4. Post-Meeting Practices & Pitfalls
Parents don’t like surprises, so call them right away if their child’s performance drops suddenly. If the end-of-term comment contains the first news of a significant drop in effort or performance, you haven’t communicated properly. And how about sharing dramatic improvements when they occur? Build a team approach by asking parents to tell you how they wish to be contacted, whether it be an SMS (text message), phone call, email or note. 
 

Mark Twain once said: “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years.” Parents aren’t the only targets of teenagers’ scorn; teachers get dumped on, too. Both parents and teachers must be wary of how easily they can be misrepresented or even demonized to each other. It’s not unheard of these days for parents or teachers to fault each other’s imagined shortcomings. This discord puts a smile on the face of any adolescent. When parents and teachers forge a united team, no one benefits more than students, however much they might resist the idea. As adults, we owe it to the “little blisters” in our lives.

 
Andrew Taylor is the Principal of the Maru-a-Pula School in Gaborone, Botswana. His email address is: principal.map@gmail.com. Maru-a-Pula’s website is: www.maruapula.org